Good road trip songs promote travel and save you from listening to scary preachers reminding you that you will go to hell if you don't donate money. But for every fun song that reminds you of the glory of the open road, there's a completely inappropriate counterpart that will have you searching for the nearest (legal) U-turn that leads back home. Here are 20 songs you should NEVER play on a road trip...
20. Any Song by The Crash Test Dummies
We've all seen footage of crash test dummies contorting into a pretzel after their car slams into a wall. I really don't want to imagine that while I'm driving. What I want even less is to hear that annoying melody to "Mmmm Mmmm Mmmm Mmmm". Canada is known for many great things... this band isn't one of them.
19. "Bridge Over Troubled Water" - Simon And Garfunkel
I don't like driving over bridges. I especially don't like driving on bridges over troubled water. What's really disconcerting is knowing that 26% of the bridges in the U.S. are "either structurally deficient or functionally obsolete".
18. "Don't Fear The Reaper" - Blue Oyster Cult
Yes, we need more cowbell. No, we don't need to be reminded of death while some D-Bag in a Supra cuts us off at 110mph.
17. "All By Myself" - Eric Carmen
The last thing you want to do is play the ultimate break-up song on your road trip. Watch how quickly the conversation goes from pop culture trivia to reminiscing about ex-lovers that done you wrong. Play this song on a road trip and your car WILL turn into a mobile therapist's office.
16. "Stan" - Eminem
Besides the fact that the song is about a crazy dude who drives his car off a bridge with his girlfriend in the trunk... I don't think I've ever heard a song that builds with so much tension and anger to the point where it's hard to focus on what I'm doing. That's not helpful particularly helpful when driving. And the worst part is, this disturbing song is long.
15. "Bat Out Of Hell" - Meatloaf
It seems like a good idea to listen to a 9 minute and 50 second song to pass the time, but not when the song ends with a biker crashing and bleeding to death in a ditch. If there's anything more frightening than black ice or blind curves, it's biker gangs.
14. "Through The Wire" - Kanye West
Kanye recorded this song two weeks after being in a near fatal car crash. If it's a little hard to understand what he's saying, that's because he's singing with a broken jaw that's been wired shut. Although some of us wish he would have stayed that way, I guess I'd rather endure "Gold Digger" for the ten thousandth time while on the road.
13. "Dust In The Wind" - Kansas
Do I want a reminder about the fragility of life? That one day I'll die and turn into nothing but dust? No, not when I'm driving. While you're at it, why don't you remind us that 115 people die every day from car crashes in the U.S. Because that's a totally appropriate thing to do.
12. "Car Crash" - Courtney Love
What's worse: listening to a song called "Car Crash"... or listening to Courtney Love?
11. "It's Dangerous Walking Out Your Front Door" - Underoath
When I embarrass my travel mates with terrible singing, I tend to do it to songs with catchy lyrics. Not songs with lyrics like: "I thought it would be so much quicker than this / Pain has never been so brilliant / I made sure you were buckled in / Now you can walk hand in hand with him". Aw, don't you just love a song with a happy ending?
10. "What A Wonderful World" - Louis Armstrong
Some people will say this is one of the most beautiful songs ever made. To those people I ask: have you ever heard this song in a cheery context? Let me answer for you: NO! Any time you ever hear this song, somebody is about to die. When was the last time you heard this song in a movie and it wasn't juxtaposed against some adorable old lady on her death bed or pictures of 9/11 or something? If you hear this song on the road, the odds of getting into a car crash skyrocket. Total funeral song.
9. "Hurt" - Nine Inch Nails
When you're on the road, you just want to listen to a song that's fun and loud and upbeat. This isn't that song. The slow pace, the sound of an icy wind and the lyrics of despair make this arguably the most depressing song ever. Not only is this song a Certified Mood Killer, it'll officially put half the car on suicide watch, so hide all sharp objects.
8. "Tonight Is The Night I Fell Asleep At The Wheel" - Barenaked Ladies
The last thing I want to hear after cracking the windows and downing a 5-Hour Energy Shot to stay awake is anything about falling asleep at the wheel. Also not approved: talking about the most comfortable bed you've ever slept on.
7. "My Heart Will Go On" - Celine Dion
It's an absolute fact* that this is the most annoying song ever. Whenever I hear this piece of crap, I just want to drive off a cliff. Don't tempt me by playing this song while I'm actually behind the wheel... especially near a cliff.
*Not a fact.
6. "Breakdown" - Tom Petty And The Heartbreakers
Tom Petty is one of those guys that evokes the freedom of road travel with songs like "Free Fallin'" and "Runnin' Down A Dream". But "Breakdown" is one of those songs you don't want on your playlist, especially if you don't have Triple-A... or you're driving a Ford. Which stands for Fix Or Repair Daily. Or Found On Road Dead.
5. "Days of Graduation" - Drive-By Truckers
I'll just let the lyrics explain why this isn't an appropriate road trip song: "Hit a telephone pole and split in two / Bobby's skull was split right in two / And my girl was pinned in her seat / partially embedded in the dashboard / And for the next twenty minutes the only sound in the night were her screams". You sure that wasn't the sound of me grunting in annoyance?
4. "Shredded Humans" - Cannibal Corpse
Wonder why you've never heard this song about humans being mutilated in a horrific car accident? Because no one wants to hear about a car crash on their commute. Hearing lyrics like "His eyeballs ejected his sight unaffected / He saw his own organs collapse" doesn't get me ready to take a long drive head on. Crap, did I just say "head on"?
3. "Road To Nowhere" - Ozzy Osbourne
With GPS, navigation systems and free driving directions on MapQuest, there's no reason you should ever drive down a road that leads to nowhere. But just because there's no reason doesn't mean it never happens.
2. "Crash Into Me" - Dave Matthews Bands
I don't want another driver thinking this song is an open invitation to play bumper cars on the highway. If the song was called "Pull Up Next To Me And Give Me A Free Sandwich" I'd be more apt to play it.
1. "Dueling Banjos" - Eric Weissberg & Steve Mandell
No other song in history has ever signaled impending doom like this one. Sure, it sounds so playful and innocent, but when you hear this song, you know you're about to enter some unsavory territory where sweaty, gun-toting hillbillies in overalls are selling opossum on the side of a dirt road, just eager to turn a lost city folk like you into a squealing piggy. Not cool. If anyone ever plays this song on a road trip, even as a joke, you have full permission to kick them out of the car without even slowing down.
Strap on your jetpack and fly on over to the funnest travel blog on the web: http://www.thejetpacker.com. You'll have a blast as Bret Ahmed regales readers with his latest travel exploits, humorous lists and entertaining features on weird foods, strange sports and unusual attractions.
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